Chief Judge Len Goodman and the Chunky KitKat

Many members have been asking how the recent weather has been affecting the club's many ancillary activities. Under the Club's constitution, Article XXIII states that in the event of snow higher than an upended Chunky KitKat (the Club's standard unit of measurement, of course) falling on or near Chessington World of Adventures, the Club will enter Emergency Extreme Weather Mode. For many club members, this will mean little. For some, it will mean wearing a different coloured hat and interpreting the Book of Leviticus literally. For a few, primarily those on the Club's Covert Operations and Genetic Experimentation sub-committee, it means Defcon 5.

The Club convened at Chessington at around 5 o'clock on tuesday, as the snow began falling on the ceremonial chunky KitKat. As always, Chief Judge Len Goodman was in attendance to ensure all measurements were accurate. Initially there were some problems balancing an irregular hexahedron on its smallest trapezoidal face, a logistical quandary not foreseen by the framers of our constitution. To overcome this, we leant the KitKat against a Knee-height wall by the Penguin Cove. Chief Judge Len confirmed this was within accepted parameters and the measurement continued. As the snow fell, the Club's spirits were maintained by Chief Judge Len's jocular banter and occasional demonstration of the correct location of the hips during a spirited American Smooth. Chief Judge Len knows a surprising amount about badgers, Catalonian Cuisine and Wolverhampton Wanderers' 1971-72 UEFA Cup campaign.

By 7 o'clock, the snow had reached the toppermost serrated edge of the foil wrapper and Emergency Extreme Weather Mode was declared by Chief Judge Len. He was thanked for his attendance, given a biscuit, and the Covert Operations and Genetic Experimentation sub-committee leapt into action. Our next issue will cover what this means for the Sumo Wrestlers, our Olympic ambitions and our hoard of strawberry cornettos.