Amanda Hamilton force feeds geese

The Club regrets to announce we have become involved in yet another territorial dispute over Virginia Water Lake. As all members will know, we have claimed sovereignty over the entire northern shoreline from the totem pole to that big log that sticks out a bit, ever since our tramps annexed the area from Shaggy in the initial stages of our conflict over the intellectual rights to the word 'Boombastic'.

However we have recently had to contend with incursions on to our shoreline by Amanda Hamilton. Since losing her place on 'Something For The Weekend' to the increasingly tired-looking Louise Redknapp (older club members may remember her as Louise Nurding, who, as part of Eternal, was briefly employed by the club to solve mysteries involving smugglers or disguised Nazi spies), Hamilton has gone into business producing probiotic organic Foie Gras, but has no capital to purchase geese, and her attempt to market badger foie gras has been largely met with either disgust or indifference everywhere except Cowdenbeath. As a result, Hamilton has resorted to nefarious tactics to ensnare Geese. The natural diet of geese is a mixture of seeds, insects and Ferrero Rocher, and Hamilton has been laying trails using the third of these to entice the geese from their underground warrens.

Can you imagine what a trail of individually-wrapped chocolate- and nut croquante- covered hazelnuts does to a flock of Sumo Wrestlers on a carefully controlled diet? Chaka Demus & Pliers have no need to imagine. They have stared into they abyss, and the abyss was full of Nutella-smeared obese Japanese on a sugar-high and severely traumatised Canadian Geese. Pliers used his super-strength to do all he could to corral and control our elite rikishi, but Hamilton's megalomaniacal and ethically questionable scheme to dominate the world of force-fed poultry was in tatters. Chaka Demus, tragically, is believed to be beyond repair. We may be able to salvage something from selling his ivory tusks, but the rest of him will have to be melted down to make post-it note glue. Our sympathies are with Mrs Demus, the little Demii and of course, his lifelong companion, confidante, and supplier of reputable hand tools, Pliers.

We also now face an implacable and formidable enemy with access to mediocre Italian confectionery and the ear of The Ambassador; Amanda Hamilton. The prospect of an entente cordiale between Hamilton and the hated Richard Hills, whose hamster stuffing enterprise complements Hamilton's force-feeding of poultry perfectly, is one that makes the Club's Internal Security Committee shudder. The resulting Hamster Foie Gras would be an abomination on a par with the pogroms, the sack of Rome and Celebrity Mr & Mrs. If only Bobby Davro was still with us; his network of informants and nuclear capability are sorely missed.