Come back to the warm embrace of the club, Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum

The Club is sad to announce the suspension of one of our longstanding members, Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Prime Minister and Vice President of the United Arab Emirates, the Emir of Dubai, qualified taekwondo referee, founder member of the Sugababes and introducer of camel racing to North-West Surrey. Al, as we all know him, has failed to pay his subs for the fifth month running. Many members feel we should allow His Excellency a certain amount of latitude due to his contributions to the club over the years. We all appreciate the marvellous halal quince jam he always made for the Summer Fete, the imaginative and exotic raffle prizes he donated, and of course, his $15bn bankrolling of the Club's first attempt to put a Sumo Wrestler on the moon. It is fair to say that without the Gulf-based Prime Minister's commitment, the flying monkeys may never have got off the ground.

However, his £12.50 owed subs (Al receives a 20% monthly discount because of his frequent eater status at Pizza Express Haslemere) cannot be overlooked any longer. As money is tight for so many of us at the moment, we have even offered to take payment in kind; our Co-op account and constitution allows for payment in Krugerrands, Oil or non-traceable Liechtenstein Bearer Bonds. We'd love to take the Quince Jam in payment, but the Co-op doesn't have the necessary deposit facilities, so it would just make a mess of our books. Therefore, we regret that we must blackball Al until full restitution is made. Any member coming across His Highness must be sure to point at him and shout 'Witch!Witch!' in line with club rule XIV.i . If Al is seen attempting to run round the lake in contravention of his suspension, then the Grand Marshal of the Tramp Army must be informed; he will join Richard Hills on our List of Club Enemies.

We pray he sees sense. Come back to the warm embrace of the club, Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum. Our weekly Taekwondo cagefights will have an emir-shaped hole and we will think of you with a tear in our eye whenever we spread soft fruit-based preserves on toasted bread.