Emergency Extreme Weather Mode

Understandably, many members have been concerned over the welfare of our sumo wrestlers during the snowfall. These delicate creatures are obviously extremely sensitive to changes in climate and need to be carefully managed and maintained. One of the first actions of the Club in Emergency Extreme Weather Mode is to paint the toenails of all our wrestlers crimson. This is not, as is often thought, to allow them to hide in cherry trees. That is an urban legend, a fallacy, and rather impractical. Apart from the difficulty of finding a cherry tree capable of bearing the weight of a fully-loaded rikishi, nail polish of any colour does not afford effective camouflage; even if our boys forgo their pedicures for several weeks, the total body surface area covered by toenail is around 0.05%; and that 0.05% really doesn't resemble cherries at any distance. Of course, we found this out the hard way after the dismal failure of our 2003 Sumo Cherry Tree Parachute Ambush attempt on the hated Richard Hills.

No, we paint their toenails crimson so we can a) find them if they are upside down in the snow b) distinguish our wrestlers from the many migratory wrestlers that visit our shores at this time of year in search of food sources. Many of these migrants find their way to suburban back gardens where, unused to local fauna, they are often attacked and ravaged by domestic cats; there can be no sadder sight on a bird table than the aftermath of the merciless onslaught of a tabby on an innocent, unsuspecting sumo wrestler. We have tried to draw the attention of these beautiful, wild, fragile creatures to the RSPCA, but they appear to be unwilling to take us seriously. We request all our members avoid leaving any food in their back gardens that could entice any Japanese sportsmen into a potentially fatal situation.

As for our own stable of wrestlers, they are kept safe, fed, scrubbed and pedicured (except in cherry-blossom season) by our long-time professional stewards, Chaka Demus & Pliers. Pliers, of course, fell into a cauldron full of magic potion while still a baby and is therefore ideally placed to shepherd morbidly obese Japanese sportsmen. We are learning to live with his obsession with obeli and dolmen, but on the whole, he's one of the least troublesome mid '90s pop stars the Club have employed. The mess Dr Alban left behind when he was left in charge of the Annual Club Trip to Weston Super-Mare to celebrate Jeffrey Archer's birthday is still talked about in disgusted tones by the staff of Leigh Delamere Services. Of course, ongoing legal dispute between the club and Shaggy over our intellectual copyright claim to 'Boombastic' means we cannot go into details concerning his time with the club. We are optimistic the US Supreme Court will come to a favourable decision soon.

Hopefully the above has set members' minds at ease concerning our wrestlers' welfare. As mentioned in the previous issue, many members have also been asking what will happen to our hoard of strawberry cornettos, bought in anticipation of our modern triathlon of running, drinking and eating ice cream being added to the roster of events at the Summer Olympics. The short answer is that the cold weather has had little effect on our cornettos, which we keep in a large Samsung US-Style freezer (it dispenses ice as if by magic!). Frankly, it seems a rather stupid question. Where do these members think we store our cornettos? And why would they think cold weather would affect their storage? Surely, in cold weather, ice cream is the last thing to worry about. We are sometimes concerned by the intellectual capacity and bizarre concerns of some of our members. Perhaps the time has come for more entry conditions than currently. The Club shall give this serious consideration.