Ferrets refuse to be constrained by archaic notions of gender

In our continuing quest to restore the club's finances after our catastrophic attempt to corner the Hungarian pineapple market on the advice of that gadabout and charlatan Vince Cable (how did he ever end up as the nation's favourite financial seer extolling sage advice through his shit-eating grin? It's just three short years since he was hanging around the back of the Perambulation Club, near the performing elephants' pen, trying to sell hooky watches and unlocked phones to impressionable youths. How does that qualify anyone to pronounce on the state of the nation's finances? He's a rubbish dancer and all. He can never get the ripple right when he tapdances), we have decided to move into a hitherto untapped field; potentially lucrative, possibly groundbreaking, undoubtedly ill-considered.
On a recent perambulation, a shivering, weeping, ferret stopped the club in its tracks. Ferrets, as we all know, are predominantly tropical in origin, and their natural home is leaping from log to log to lilypad in the mangrove swamps of Upper Venezuela. Ferrets do not thrive in cold and damp climates, and their whiskers and tails can freeze solid, incapacitating them and rendering them vulnerable to predators. Luckily, the ferret's natural enemy, the Roly-Poly Bird, very rarely visits the lakeside area of the Great Park as they cannot negotiate the gates from the car park.
So, the ferret of Virginia Water has little to fear from the Roly-Poly Bird. The ferret of Virginia Water fears only the cold. A frost-hardened ferret balanced precariously on stalactitic tail and stalagmitic whiskers is a tragic sight and, as with all tragedies, causes the club to stop what it is doing and consider how a profit can be made from others' misery. Any ferret far from his humid, crocodile-infested homeland needs an effective source of heat or a method of heat-retention. The former is not conducive to mobility, and would require the ferret to remain near the source and unable to roam freely and leap from log to log to lilypad. This would make any ferret pine. We did consider installing a combi boiler and joining British Gas' WebSaver 7 dual fuel tariff, but the quote we received for the 4.5 mile radiator we would require was more prohibitive than expected. All in all, it is far better to allow the ferret to retain heat through layers of insulation that do not restrict his capering and/or gambolling. Traditionally, ferrets have been clad in tartan body-warmers for this purpose, as a reminder of their great love of the music of the Bay City Rollers. The opening lines of 'Bye Bye Baby' can mesmerise and swiftly placate the bloodthirstiest of ferrets. This knowledge has saved the club from serious injury more than once, and any member should bear this in mind if attacked by roused ferrets within easy access of the seminal 'Once Upon a Star' album and a suitable means of amplification. Please note this does not apply to agitated polecats, who are likely to be even more incensed by this.
What does this mean to the Club? There is a gap in the market. Intensive Market Research carried out by the Chuckle Brothers reveals teenage ferrets are just as fashion-conscious as their human contemporaries, and are not at all likely to be constrained by narrow-minded abstract notions of gender. If the Chuckle Brothers are right, and who would bet otherwise, there is a significant community of chic trans-gender ferrets out there just crying out for high-quality leisurewear. None of the major Fashion Houses - Missoni, Marc Jacobs, or George by Asda - are addressing this need. Incredibly, since Coco Chanel's 'Furet Nouveau' collection in 1948, cross-dressing rodents have been absent from the major fashion shows. Except Jean-Paul Gaultier, of course. This is where the Club comes in. Our new 'Priscilla, Queen of the Ferrets' range provides everything the ferret-about-town could need, a slick meeting of chic sports gear and glamour. Our Sue Sylvester-inspired diamante-studded hooded warm-up jacket would make any ferret the talk of the warren. Or wherever the fuck it is that ferrets live.